I've often been asked which Star Trek character I find to be the hottest, sexiest, and the one I'd slit four thousand throats in one night for. I usually respond with "Deanna Troi" or "Jadzia Dax" — the brunette bombshells — but truly it's something I really haven't given a lot of thought to, until now, and, frankly, the real answer would probably creep out even the creepiest of Trekkies (and I've been to conventions, and, may the Prophets bless my eyes, but I've seen some world-class creeps at those things).
But a few words on those two women: Troi! With her gorgeous cleavage and cute teeth: I'd buy her Tim Tams cookies and grow old with her, sleeping every night with my head nestled on her pillowy breasts, and we would share chocolate-covered frozen yogurt at the Pinkberry on La Brea Avenue. Dax! Curvy, wonderful, beautiful Jadzia, dots running up and down her body, enigmatic smile, and a mistress of hundreds of years of sexual wizardry. She can teach me Klingon moves, and I'll introduce her to the stamp collection that I accumulated from my Junior High school years. No, forget that stamp stuff! We'll instead discover new hobbies together, and could play sudoku on a park bench, occasionally glancing at the old men playing chess on the tables next to us, and I would listen to my beautiful Dax critique their sloppy moves under her breath. And I would be loyal and would dump the Dax symbiont when it moved on to the spritely Ezri — Bashir could have her — but then I wouldn't have let Dukat kill Jadzia in the first place, so there wouldn't be a reason for the symbiont to leave, and — ergh. I got carried away...
In any case, those two broads have got nothing on my one true Star Trek love, the one character that makes me sigh every time she's onscreen, and it's only now that I shall reveal to all thirteen of you lovely readers of mine who she is:
It's the refit Constitution-class Enterprise, as first seen in STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE! Ask my friends! Back in Aught-Nine, we had a Blu-ray Trek Quadrology (STI-STIV) marathon on a high-definition television at my friends' house, and I gave a moan of ecstasy when I first saw the Enterprise in all of her glory and splendor on that 47" screen. It made my pal sitting next to me uncomfortable, but what do I care? This is love. Okay-okay-yes-yes, do I acknowledge that the ship's re-introduction went on a bit too long for non-Trek fans? Sure, but they're infidels anyway, those mundane non-believers, and what do I care about them? They're not going to Sto'Vo'Kor: I am!
I've decided that I'm going to play that introduction of the love of my Star Trek life on my DVD player — I don't have a fancy-shmancy Blu-ray/high def TV yet, but you can bet your polka-dotted Tribble that when I do, ST:TMP is the first thing I'm buying! — and write down a (somewhat) minute-by-minute analysis of the unveiling of the grandest of all starships! Here we go (and forgive the incoherence):
17:28 There she is! THERE SHE IS!
17:37 Kirk looks longingly at the Enterprise
18:08 Still swooping around the ship, her lights flickering as if to say: "Hello, lover!"
18:15 A shot of those art-deco touches on the nacelles. Oof.
19:20 FINALLY! A full-shot view of my girl! Gorgeous, I tell you!
20:37 Playful horns on Jerry Goldsmith's score tell us she is a feisty ship!
21: 54 Kirk: (after they docked) "Thank you, Mr. Scott." Scotty: "Aye, sir."
Ah!!! I can't take it! I was too wrapped up in her angelic sweeps and alluring curves to write a proper analysis! You can keep your Akira- or Intrepid- or Sovereign-class designs: this is the only design that tickles my fancy.
Years ago, I purchased an elaborate, snap-together model of the Enterprise from a Japanese model company; I set aside hours to set it up, all 79 pieces laid out in a precise pattern, and I slowly sipped red wine, and savored each and every moment, as I brought her to life. She is now my most prized possession, and is probably worth only an sixteenth (if even that) of what I originally paid for it, but do you think I care? No, I don't! It has brought me joy ever since, and I still remember how excited and eager I was waiting for that parcel to arrive— it reminded me of when I was a young boy, waiting for the arrival for a ventriloquist's dummy I ordered from a comic book. Yes! I'm weird! I like stamps, ventriloquism, and I believe the sexiest character out of over 500 hours of Trek is the refit NCC-1701 starship. But at least I'm going to Sto'Vo'Kor!! Yes!